


Collateral Damage

by UselessLilium (o0whitelily0o)



Series: Kazumi Onimaru Appreciation Project [10]
Category: Cardfight!! Vanguard
Genre: A Lot Of Misattributed Blame, Interspecies Relationship(s), M/M, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 10:20:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15532128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/o0whitelily0o/pseuds/UselessLilium
Summary: Thanks to his work at Dragon Empire, Kazumi finds himself having to confront a few issues he'd really prefer to not think about.





	Collateral Damage

Kazumi hesitated, just for a little bit, when he finally caught sight of Enishi. The older man was supposed to have been waiting outside the Chief’s office, but when he was finally called for, he wasn’t anywhere in sight. Fortunately, tracking him down wasn’t too difficult. He’d just wandered off to a near children’s room to find Ryuzu again and play with him - or try to, anyway. 

“Myou - ah, I mean, Ryuzu, of course,” he tried to say, waving his hands frantically and looking distressed, “It’s okay, really, I just wanted to say hi-” but it was no use. Ryuzu kept glaring at him with big watery eyes, holding up his Chronofang card like a shield and inching backwards whenever Enishi started to move even a little closer to him.

Honestly, of course Ryuzu was frightened. Anyone would be, being approached by someone so much larger, who was moving erratically and sounded so obviously upset. It was like Enishi wasn’t even trying to be comforting. Kazumi held back a frustrated sigh, straightened himself, and put on a professional smile before walking over to them. “Enishi-san? The Branch Chief is ready to see you.”

Enishi jumped and looked up, seeming torn between relief and regret. “Ah, thank you...”

“Mi!” Ryuzu cried, immediately tottering towards him. Kazumi couldn’t help but smile at the little boy. He knelt down with open arms, allowing Ryuzu to walk right into them to be picked up.

“It’s alright, Ryu-kun, there’s nothing to be scared of,” Kazumi said, though Ryuzu’s only response was to hold onto his neck with his little hands and giggle. Enishi, meanwhile, was still hovering. Staring at him. Kazumi ignored the weight it put in his stomach, and simply said, “He’s waiting in his office. Ibuki-kun’s already arrived as well.”

For a moment, Enishi only blinked at him, like he’d forgotten why he came to Dragon Empire in the first place. Then he nodded, expression turning more serious. “Right, of course. Thank you again.” And then, only looking back at Ryuzu one more time, he left.

If only his own uneasiness would leave that easily. But instead, now that he had some space from the source, Kazumi couldn’t help acknowledging how irrational it was. What had Enishi done, really? He’d just been a little awkward and accidentally upset a child he obviously cared about. And yet watching him had been like listening to nails on a chalkboard.  _ Everything  _ Enishi did grated on him that way. It was as if he wanted the man to irritate him.

Then Ryuzu startled him out of his thoughts, by patting his face with a free hand. “Mi, okay?”

Kazumi immediately berated himself for getting distracted enough to worry Ryuzu. “Yes, I’m okay, Ryu-kun.” He smiled, and gave the little boy a reassuring squeeze, “I was just thinking about something that’s all.” Ryuzu blinked up at him, still looking uncertain, so Kazumi added, “Why don’t we go down to the lobby? Chrono said he was going to come visit today. He should be here soon.”

That did the trick. Right away, Ryuzu beamed, tugging on some of Kazumi’s loose hair in excitement. “Chrono! Wanna see Chrono!”

Obliging Ryuzu’s request, Kazumi headed to explain it to the room supervisor, who agreed easily enough. He really did like working at Dragon Empire. It was easy for Kazuma to visit, Anjou and the Branch Chief were friendly and patient with him, and the majority of the staff were hard workers who he was happy to be a part of. And of course, he loved every chance he had to look after Ryuzu.

So being this uncomfortable with a business associate - and one who clearly wanted to be a part of Ryuzu’s life - was a problem. Besides, it wasn’t like he didn’t know  _ why  _ he felt this way. Or that he didn’t know the reason was laughably petty. He needed to get over it somehow, and the sooner the better.

Except every time he actually came face-to-face with the man, all those good intentions curdled with bitterness before he knew it. Simply telling himself he should be better than this wasn’t enough. He had to try something else.

 

* * *

 

The problem continued to plague him all day, right up to the moment he fell asleep. It wasn’t exactly voluntary, but Kazumi did find himself hoping that if he were so bothered by something, it might call Shiranui to him. To his relief, it actually worked, when the dark of his room vanished to be replaced by stars and his avatar.

“Hello, Kazumi,” Shiranui said, offering a hand to him. Despite everything weighing on him, Kazumi felt himself smiling helplessly at the gesture. He complied immediately, of course, walking right up to Shiranui and letting him pull him onto his lap.

“I’m glad to see you. I was hoping I would,” Kazumi admitted, and then, not wanting to make everything about himself right off the bat, asked, “How have you been? Is the reconstruction going alright?”

“It’s been steady, though everyone’s been a bit resistant to some of the more radical changes we’ll need to enact. No one seems confident enough yet to take any real leadership roles,” Shiranui paused, then admitted, “Also, the elf, Luard, came to visit recently.”

Kazumi straightened, leaning up to Shiranui with open surprise. “Really? How is he? Is he alright? Why did-”

“Slow down, there’s no need to rush,” Shiranui said, sounding amused, “Yes, he seems to be doing well. I’m not the only one determined to make up for past mistakes.” His eyes dropped to the stump where his right arm used to be. “He even said he’d use his research to find a way to make me prosthetics. Though it will likely take some time.”

“That’s wonderful!” Kazumi beamed, clapping his hands together. “I’m so glad to hear that... you’re getting along alright, then?”

“Well, there are many in the clan who dislike his presence. Frankly, I thought this might be the issue they finally refused to accept my decision on. But they still won’t go against me, and I at least bear him no ill will.” He looked down at Kazumi then, tilting his head. “And you? You said you were hoping to see me. Is everything alright?”

Despite having hoped for this, Kazumi nearly brushed off the question with a ‘yes’ right away. When actually faced with Shiranui, hearing about what he was dealing with, the impulse to keep quiet about his problems was nearly overwhelming. Shiranui didn’t need to be bothered with some silly issue Kazumi already knew was small and meaningless. He should just be quiet, figure out a way to solve it himself. But... Kazumi let out a sigh. Thinking like that had only ever caused  _ more  _ problems. And he’d been trying to work through it himself, with no success. He had to talk about it to someone.

So finally, he said, “Well, actually... Enishi Satoru came by Dragon Empire today.”

“Enishi... ah, he was in the U20, correct? The red-haired fighter?” Kazumi nodded, and his stomach twisted again when Shiranui’s voice lightened, “I see. Has he been doing well?”

“...I don’t know,” Kazumi said, sounding more brusque than he meant to, “I don’t spend much time with him.”

Shiranui shifted a little, seeming surprised by Kazumi’s tone. “Do you dislike him?”

“I...” Kazumi paused, took a breath. Tried to control his own words. He should at least be able to do that much. “It isn’t exactly... that I dislike him. He hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s just-”

“‘Just’?”

“It’s just every time I see him, I’m always reminded of... back then. During. You know.” He couldn’t even say the words flat-out. This was pathetic. Everything had been resolved months and months ago, he  _ needed  _ to be better at this. “At first I tried to... well, see what you did in him. But every time, I just- can’t. Compared to anyone in Try3, or Kazuma, or- or anyone.” He caught himself before the wrong word could slip out and show how ridiculous he was really being, and shook his head. Flaws he wouldn’t have cared about otherwise stood out like neon. Virtues paled when set against the brilliance of the people Kazumi treasured. Comparisons like that weren’t  _ fair _ , but he couldn’t escape making them either, when Shiranui already had. “No matter how hard I try, I can’t understand at all why  _ he _ was the only one you thought was worthwhile.”

“...I see.” Shiranui spoke slowly. Then he leaned down, and gingerly touched Kazumi’s cheek. “That is something I can try to explain, but I’m unsure if it will bring you any comfort.”

Leaning into Shiranui’s touch, holding onto his claws with one of his hands, Kazumi said, “Please tell me anyway.”

“Alright.” Shiranui looked away for a few moments, his tail curling and uncurling in a way Kazumi’s learned to recognize as thoughtful. “It was never a matter of Enishi being better in an objective sense. I simply didn’t care about those other people because I refused to. I resented Try3 for inspiring you through emotion rather than strength. I looked down on your brother and hurt him because you considered him important. Whatever good existed in them, if it was something you valued, I decided it was worthless.”

Kazumi had to admit, it wasn’t exactly a surprise. He’d known the way Shiranui acted during the fight with Kazuma, at least, had been to get back at him. It only made sense for that to extend to his idols too. But even if he’d suspected that much already, hearing it stated so bluntly, having to acknowledge that yes, that  _ was  _ really how Shiranui was thinking at the time, how thoroughly committed he’d been to hurting him... He swallowed down a lump in his throat, and tried to push on and ask, “There were a lot of good fighters at that tournament I didn’t know, though. Why did you single him out like that?”

Shiranui took a while to answer, though Kazumi couldn’t tell if that was because he didn’t know what to say, or just trying to decide how to say it. “I think it was knowing he was fighting to protect someone else... and my belief that, at the time, you had already given up and failed to do so. His potential existed in contrast to you.” He wasn’t looking at Kazumi at all now, and he spoke very softly. “I was simply looking for any excuse to think less of you.”

The regret was clear in his voice, and Kazumi meant to reassure him. To tell him, again, that it was okay. But he couldn’t get the words out. His throat, his hands, everything inside him was leaden. The most he could do was slump against Shiranui’s chest, and do his best to accept what he was saying. There wasn’t a point to being upset about it  _ now _ . It was... well, it wasn’t okay, but it was over. Kazumi forgave him already. He  _ had _ to accept it.

Shiranui wrapped his hand around Kazumi’s shoulders, petting him carefully. “I was being cruel and spiteful. That’s all there is to it, in truth,” he said, “But I promise, I will not do anything like that to you again. There’s no doubt in my mind how important you are to me.”

Finally, Kazumi moved, putting his hand over Shiranui’s fingers. “...I do believe you. Really. I know this... is stupid.”  _ Stop there _ , he told himself, and then didn’t. “But I- I still... keep thinking about it, every time I see him.” His voice was starting to shake, the words falling out less and less coherent. “I remember, how I could feel your belief in  _ him _ , this stranger, while I was just this- this worthless, pathetic  _ thing  _ you hated and couldn’t even stand thinking about-”

He covered his mouth, mortified with himself. Why was he dragging this out? After all, he knew why Shiranui had felt the way he did. He understood. Shiranui had been tricked and used, and Kazumi  _ forgave  _ it. All of it. He didn’t- he didn’t have a right to still be upset about something he already forgave, it wasn’t fair. Shiranui would be right to get frustrated and fed up, especially since Kazumi wasn’t blameless either, if he’d been better it wouldn’t have happened, who  _ wouldn’t  _ be angry with him for being like that?

“Kazumi?” Kazumi couldn’t look up at him. He was scared to move, even though Shiranui’s voice was soft and concerned, even though he kept telling himself that everything was fine. There were tears on his cheeks, but he didn’t have any idea when he started crying. Shiranui started to draw back his hand, and desperately Kazumi grabbed on to as much of it as he could, as tightly as possible. After a pause, Shiranui instead wrapped his hand around him more and pulled him tight against him, and Kazumi managed to let out a relieved sob.

Being close to Shiranui had always felt safe. That was something the Diffride hadn’t changed. It felt like the wrong reaction to have, maybe, but... during it, Shiranui hadn’t touched him at all. He’d been everywhere, but Kazumi couldn’t reach him, with hands or voice, no matter how hard he’d tried. If he was being held now, then he wasn’t being ignored or thrown away. And Shiranui’s grip was strong and warm - really, it still amazed Kazumi how much he could hold with just one hand.

After a while, when his shaking had mostly subsided and the tears started to dry, Shiranui asked, “...May I say something?”

“Mm. What is it?” The words came out thick, but steadier than Kazumi feared.

“To be frank, I’ve been worried for a while about how you’ve been handling things.” Shiranui pet Kazumi’s cheek with one of his fingers, the side of the claw just grazing him. “After all, you forgave me almost immediately, without question. I was concerned that, perhaps you were just trying to ignore your feelings about what happened, to make things easier.” He leaned down, nuzzling Kazumi’s forehead. “I don’t wish for you to be upset, but... seeing you let yourself is something of a relief. I hope it is for you as well.”

Kazumi blinked. He hadn’t been ignoring his feelings. He meant it when he said he understood, and besides, there’d been so much going on, and Shiranui was dealing with so many problems already, handling what issues came up on his own just seemed like the obvious thing to do. Maybe he felt more calm now, but melting down like that left him feeling more limp and worn out than actually better.

“I’d still rather figure out how not to be upset in the first place, though,” he insisted, “Especially if I wind up taking it out on him.”

“Yes, I suppose you would.” Shiranui snorted lightly into Kazumi’s hair, but it felt affectionate to him. “Even so, you can at least be assured that I don’t think how you’re feeling is ‘stupid’.”

That did help Kazumi feel more relaxed, and he smiled a little as he nestled closer to the dragon. “Thank you,” he said, before turning his head to kiss Shiranui’s claw, still resting on his shoulder.

Shiranui’s wings rustled for a moment. Then he straightened back up, clearing his throat. “As for what to do about Enishi... would it help to remember he didn’t exactly enjoy my attention? Nor was I actually nice to him. Even the person I respected most, as you say, wasn’t much more than a potential vessel to me at the time.”

“It might... I’ll try to keep it in mind, anyway.” Those  _ were  _ all things he knew already - or rather, things he’d tried to tell himself. But as with other things he’d only ever thought about, actually hearing Shiranui say it, confirm it, made the thought feel solid. It gave it actual weight. Rubbing the last bit of wet from his eyes, Kazumi shifted so he could look up at Shiranui better. “Alright, that’s enough of that for now. Would you tell me more about Luard’s visit?”

Shiranui tilted his head. “Are you sure?”

Kazumi nodded and smiled a little. “Yes, I think getting my mind off it for a little bit would be nice. And it’d be a shame if I woke up without hearing any more details about it.”

“Very well... though it’s only been a few days since he arrived so far. He’s mainly been studying my remaining arm and leg, so he can begin planning out the prosthetics.”

There was no way to tell how much time passed in that space, but it felt like hours before Kazumi woke up. At first, he confused the weight of the blankets for Shiranui’s hand still holding them, and wrapped them around himself more tightly before he got up.

 

* * *

 

With the upcoming collaborative event still in the planning stages, it wasn’t a surprise to run into Enishi again at work. Neither was it a surprise to see him, once again, trying to get closer to Ryuzu, or that he was failing. This time, at least, Mamoru was also nearby, and intervened before Kazumi had a chance to even take a step closer. Mamoru, at least, had no problem trying to encourage Enishi. Not that it seemed to change Ryuzu’s mind any.

Kazumi was still trying to decide whether he should say something too or move along, when Enishi noticed he was there. Looking somewhat shame-faced, he walked over. “My apologies, I’m sure you’re busy,” Enishi said, “But I was hoping to ask you something.”

Professionalism took over, and Kazumi smiled automatically. “Of course. What is it?”

“Well... how did you get Ryuzu to like you so much, so quickly?”

The question did make Kazumi feel bad for him, but even then, sympathy wound up feeling more like pity. “To be honest, I’m not really sure,” Kazumi said, trying to keep his tone light, “He’s a very sweet boy, I don’t feel like I did anything special.”

He knew it wasn’t a very helpful response, even if it was honest, but the sheer dejection on Enishi’s face was still a surprise. “...I see.” He looked back over his shoulder, where Mamoru was still carrying Ryuzu. “I suppose it really is just me that’s the problem, then.”

Kazumi hesitated. He meant it when he said he didn’t like being this way towards Enishi, he had to try harder. Hesitantly, to make sure he sounded the way he actually wanted to, Kazumi said, “I don’t know much about your relationship with him, so if I’m misinterpreting, feel free to disregard what I’m about to say. But it seems like you consider him very important.”

Enishi glanced back at him, before nodding and dropping his eyes.  “...I do.”

“Children can be very sensitive to strong feelings like that. And at his age, he probably doesn’t really understand and just feels pressured by it. So he winds up frightened.” Kazumi smiled, to the best of his ability. “If you approached him more naturally, like you would a normal child, he might feel more comfortable.”

For a moment, Enishi started to brighten, look hopeful. Then uncertainty crept back in, and he started drooping again. “I- I don’t know that I can. He’s... there’s a lot there that I can’t just forget.”

Though Kazumi managed to keep smiling, his tone was far shorter when he said, “As I mentioned, I don’t know what you’re relationship is, exactly. But nevertheless, if you want to improve the one you have, I think you should try. Even if it takes some time.”

Although he kicked himself mentally for not sounding more patient, Enishi looked thoughtful and longingly over at the little boy. Eventually, he nodded and said, “I think you’re probably right. I really do want things to be better, going forward.”

It still hurt to be near him. Especially after last night, having drawn so many painful feelings back to the surface. So Kazumi couldn’t bring himself to offer any further advice or support. Not yet, at least. But Enishi would be here more often until the event was over. Maybe next time, he’d have a chance to be there with him and Ryuzu. Help Ryuzu feel more comfortable, offer Enishi a few suggestions for doing the same. If they were both going to try and change, then Kazumi refused to believe it wouldn’t be possible.


End file.
